Last weekend I went to a meeting to start planning social activities in my new neighborhood. I was so excited to be a part of the planning and get things going. I get lonely being at home all week with the kids and miss adults. So this notion had me all kinds of pumped.
Then I showed up and sat with two gorgeous seemingly perfect neighbors that I'm certain are size 0 and started feeling 13 again. I found myself staring at these women... examining them. Hair shiny and polished even in a pony tail. Clothing though casual still seemed dressed up. White teeth. Perfect skin, makeup... everything. Aren't these girls MY age??!! Where were their wrinkles?? How can any mothers belly be that flat after having children? Do they eat?!!! Ack. I just starting having all these self doubts. Looking down at my clothes from target... cellulite on my legs... I had done my makeup that day (hey, doesn't always happen) but seemed subpar and rushed. I felt like I mess. I usually think I look alright, but I have had two kids and my body is just different now. They also seemed so smart and probably have fancy important jobs. I don't have any job. Maybe I used to be smart and successful... but now, ugh... I started feeling insecure.
I HATE feeling insecure. I HATE judging myself against other women. But I couldn't help it. I came home and Facebooked the one girl I didn't know previously. Married to one of the "popular" guys from my high school. Taking trips to exotic places with their daughter and posting pictures in a swimsuit!! 1) I can't imagine taking my children on a plane for that long and not killing them 2) a swimsuit picture on facebook past the age of 30??!! I could never.
I just feel like the misfit in this neighborhood. Like I'm back in high school all awkward and wishing to be beautiful and fit in with the A Group. It has been years since I felt like that.. over a decade. I don't want to feel that way about where I live. It made me miss my old neighborhood. Made me want to go back to Broken Arrow. But Alas, this is where I live. I made the decision because the school is best for my kids and I have to get over it.
Now how do I do that?
