Ex Boyfriends

I think about my ex-boyfriends.   I wonder what they're doing and what their life is like now.   I wonder what my life would be like if I had married any one of them.   I'm certain I married my soul mate, but what if I hadn't waited for him.  What if I settled??   Would I be happy?  Would I have kids?  Would I still be working? Where would I be working?  Where would I be living?   Most of my exes are good dudes.   They weren't the one for various reasons, but I dated good ones.  

I also wonder if they think of me.  Do they remember me?  Do they think of me fondly?   I  wonder if they met me again... now... would they be into me again?   I feel like I'm so different than I was.  I'm 10-15 pounds heavier, a Mom, I don't work anymore.   So many things that used to define me are gone.   I remember being told so many times that if one had "met me later in life" I would have been the one.  Insinuating I would make a could wife and they weren't ready to settle down.  Do they regret that now?   Am I their "one that got away"?  I feel lucky to say I don't have that feeling, but it still doesn't keep me from thinking about them. 

I think if you love someone a part of them will always be in your heart.  

34 and still in High School

Last weekend I went to a meeting to start planning social activities in my new neighborhood.   I was so excited to be a part of the planning and get things going.  I get lonely being at home all week with the kids and miss adults.  So this notion had me all kinds of pumped. 

Then I showed up and sat with two gorgeous seemingly perfect neighbors that I'm certain are size 0 and started feeling 13 again.   I found myself staring at these women... examining them.   Hair shiny and polished even in a pony tail.  Clothing though casual still seemed dressed up.   White teeth.   Perfect skin, makeup... everything.  Aren't these girls MY age??!! Where were their wrinkles??  How can any mothers belly be that flat after having children?  Do they eat?!!!   Ack.  I just starting having all these self doubts.  Looking down at my clothes from target... cellulite on my legs... I had done my makeup that day (hey, doesn't always happen) but seemed subpar and rushed.  I felt like I mess.  I usually think I look alright, but I have had two kids and my body is just different now.   They also seemed so smart and probably have fancy important jobs.   I don't have any job.  Maybe I used to be smart and successful... but now, ugh... I started feeling insecure. 

I HATE feeling insecure.  I HATE judging myself against other women.  But I couldn't help it.  I came home and Facebooked the one girl I didn't know previously.   Married to one of the "popular" guys from my high school.   Taking trips to exotic places with their daughter and posting pictures in a swimsuit!!  1) I can't imagine taking my children on a plane for that long and not killing them 2) a swimsuit picture on facebook past the age of 30??!!  I could never.   

I just feel like the misfit in this neighborhood.   Like I'm back in high school all awkward and wishing to be beautiful and fit in with the A Group.  It has been years since I felt like that.. over a decade.  I don't want to feel that way about where I live.  It made me miss my old neighborhood.  Made me want to go back to Broken Arrow.  But Alas, this is where I live.  I made the decision because the school is best for my kids and I have to get over it. 

Now how do I do that?

The Grass is Greener

I read a book the last two weeks called, "The Girl on the Train".  It was really good.  I was enthralled and halfway through I literally couldn't put it down that I read the second half in one day.... with two toddlers running around.  I'm not quite sure how I did that since I'm not a super fast reader.  It was great to read a book again.  To be so thrown into another world than my own.   The premise I enjoyed most about the book was how outsiders view other peoples lives as perfect... without flaw.  Everyone's husband is amazing, kids behave better, sex life is rocking... and you know, that's just not true.  Everyone has issues.  Even me.  I live a pretty good life.  I am blessed.  I am mostly happy.  But I have days, I have issues, I struggle.   I feel guilty for the struggle sometimes.   But after reading this book... my shit ain't so bad. :)